Wednesday, March 16, 2011

No Matter Where I Go, The Nigerians Can Find Me

Apparently, I have hit it big.
  
I'm glad Paul Jones of Nigeria - yes, the one in Africa - was able to track me down.  All I have to do to collect on my big payday is to fork over a bunch of personal information and then click on some innocent looking link that will, no doubt, allow whomever to either hack into my computer or infect it with a virus so that it ends up relinquishing all the pertinent information that I was trying to keep close to my vest.

You gotta hand it to the Nigerians for being persistent.  I'm sure they'd stop all this nonsense if there weren't enough gullible marks to make it worth their while.


Office of the Governor.
Central bank of Nigeria
Tinubu, square, Lagos- Nigeria.
Date 16th March  2011.
Our ref: Cbn/Ohg/Oxd1/2011
Your ref: ..............................
Telex: Cenbank.
Payment file: Cbn/Ben/2011.
Attn: Beneficiary,
Payment notification of your funds.
I am Mr. Paul Jones, the secretary to Dr. Lamido Sanusi; the executive governor of the central bank of Nigeria (C.B.N), the central bank of Nigeria is the parent bank of all commercial banks here in Nigeria. I was instructed to initiate contact with you by my boss the executive governor of the central bank of Nigeria (C.B.N) on an urgent issue, kindly note that your funds were re-called and re-deposited into the "federal suspense account" of the cbn last week, because you did not forward your claim as the right beneficiary.
My boss the executive governor of the central bank of Nigeria (C.B.N), was visited in his office by three gentlemen today, really these men were unexpected by him because their visit was impromptu. He had to ask them why they came to see him in person and they said that they came to collect the inheritance/ contract funds bill sum of us$20 million which rightfully belongs to you as shown in your file with us, on your behalf and by your authorization. Note that they actually tendered some vital documents which proved that you actually sent them for the collection of these funds. Below is list of the documents which they tendered to this bank today:
1. Letter of administration.
2. High court injunction.
3. Order to release.
Due to the nature of his job, he cannot afford to make any mistake in releasing these funds to anyone except you who is the recognized true beneficiary to these funds. Note that my boss has asked these men to come back tomorrow so he can verify this fact from you first. Kindly clarify us on this issue before we make this payment to these foreigners whom came on your behalf.  Kindly to direct your response to the private email address of my boss, Dr. Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, the executive governor of the central bank of nigeria cbn,below for quicker deliberation and response from him on the release of your funds to you. Please remember to indicate a phone number he can reach you on in your response.
Email: cscb.nig@hotmail.com
Note that for security reasons you have been assigned a code/password which is {TT7270CBN}, please note that this code is the reference number for your transfer and it?s being disclosed to you alone, guard this jealously and all your email response should carry this code as the subject.
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Paul Jones.
Secretary.
To the Governor.
Central bank of Nigeria
Tinubu square, Lagos- Nigeria.
Statement of confidentiality: "the information in this email and in any attachments may contain confidential information and is intended solely for the attention and use of the named addressee(s). It may not be disclosed to any person without authorization. If you are not the intended recipient, or a person responsible for delivering it to the intended recipient you are not authorized to and must not disclose, copy, distribute or retain this message or any part of it."

I think I'll email them back and tell them to "kindly let the three gentlemen keep the funds as a gift from me."

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

And To Think That I Saw It On Washington Street

While driving into the quaint little town of Chagrin Falls today to pick my son up from track practice, a guy (let's call him a moron in a Volvo sedan sporting a CU Buffs sticker on the trunk lid), pulls out in front of me with barely enough time to square up in his lane.

Now, it was obvious that on top of being a careless and discourteous driver, he did not have assured clear distance.  I had to brake not to rear-end him and, once in front of me, he made no effort to get up to speed.  I didn't have to lock up the binders (impossible with this stinking new ABS tech anyway), or skid to a stop to avoid total catastrophe, but I used the brakes so I didn't end up with the color of his golden car on the front bumper of my "white chocolate" (somebody at Ford actually came up with that name), Expedition.

What I did do was ride him extremely closely for a few seconds just to let him know what a "World Class A-hole" I thought he was.  Didn't even blast him with my horn, like I should have - and had every right to do.

The irony of this scenario?  He sticks his arm out the window in the rain and flips ME off.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.


OK. Well, maybe I could, but somehow you'd know I was making it up.

And to think that I saw it on Washington Street.

God rest your soul, Dr. Suess, and please forgive me for ripping the inspiration for my title off from you like that, but I couldn't resist.